I THINK it was a coincidence.......

but last week I went to class, and had a very good spot where I could actually see myself, and for some unknown reason I started to cry. I think it was because for a brief moment I was actually keeping up. I was dancing. It was the cha cha. There was a moment when I was right behind Louis, and I was keeping up. It was a brief moment, because he switched over to the lindy hop, and I cant hop. I just cant seem to hop. But for a moment, I was dancing.

Three days later I go look at Louis' website, to see if he would be teaching this week, and there's a short video interview posted. In it, Louis says, " I see people start to cry when they realize they are actually dancing". But he didnt see me, did he?

OH, and when I left the class (at Richard Simmons studio), I see Richard, and he smiles and says hello, and tells me how happy he is to see me at class. He's so nice. I cry again, in the car. I'm going to write him a note next week, to tell him how important that contact is to me, and to the people who come to his studio, who need that smile, that hug and that word of encouragement. Its someone making you feel like you belong, like you matter.

so. i'm totally pissed.

First of all, Louis Van Amstel took a vacation( how dare he?), so no class this week. That dance class is the highlight of my week, because even though I feel like an old fat leadfooted dork, I'm in a dance class, and I have new dance shoes, and I'm not the oldest person there, and I'm not the fattest, and I'm not the worst dancer.... and its hard to find another class where all those things are true, unless I crash some ballroom class at Jewish Home for the Aged. Maybe its a plan. Maybe I can check out some Senior Citizen Classes somewhere and be the hot young dancer. Maybe I can be the teacher.

Now second of all, I'm very tired of reading about how I, or anyone else, can lose 10 pounds in a month on a plan that offers more to eat and less exercise than I am currently doing.. Its not possible. When Jessica Simpson(for Christ sake, I am this crazy) loses 10 pounds in two weeks according to the STAR by working out for a whole hour EVERY OTHER DAY, and switching from cocktails to Iced Tea, and cutting out fried foods.....WTF? I already do that. I must have the metabolic rate of a garden slug.

In desperation I buy WOMAN'S WORLD MAGAZINE because the cover trumpets WALK OFF TEN POUNDS! The plan instructs me to walk for half an hour every other day, and do TEN minutes of weight training as well. Fuck you. Fuck them.
Did I mention that I went to Weight Watchers this week and GAINED A POUND?

Fuck everyone.

new dancing shoes

So today I finally decided to try a pair of "dance workout shoes" instead of the trainers I have been wearing, in hopes of looking like slightly more competent dancer. I buy a very fab pair of Bloch shoes at the dance store..Bloch is one of the premier brands of dance shoes in America, so I am dancing in the real deal. I admire how my ankles look in my new shoes ( they are definitely my finest feature). But when I hit the dance floor at Louis Van Amstel's cardio ballroom class. I almost hit the dance floor. Apparently I am wearing some sort of shoe skate. I slid about the floor, cursing and flailing, barely managing to walk through the choreography. One of the more exerperienced girls takes pity on me and explains that the soles of my new shoes need to be broken in, and that I should go walk a mile on pavement. If I needed to walk a mile on pavement, I wouldnt have paid twenty bucks for the class. But all that sliding and cursing works up a definite sweat.not to mentipn the muscle tension exerting trying to hold myself upright. I'll walk on pavement tomorrow.

a food calamity, averted.

Last week, I got overexcited by QVC, as I often do, picked up the phone and speed ordered a trial month of nutrisystem ( weekends off, over 40). all week I psyched myself up. "it' s just one month..It will be a jumpstart...It'll be fun. Jane lost so much weight on Jenny Craig she's an absolute waif.. you can eat anything for a month." Yesterday the food arrived, and I opened the box with great anticipation, raring to go. Ten minutes later I was literally crying on the floor. I can eat anything. I cannot eat this. Pouches of Swedish Meatballs. Pouches of Beef Stew. Little cans of what they called tuna but I am fairly certain was relabeled cat food. A turkey burger IN A POUCH.I cant do it. I immediately post to all my friends an offer to buy a month of NUTRISYSTEM at a discounted price, and less than 16 hours later the offending giant boxes have been taken away by a very nice girl with no taste buds, and I am only down $60 bucks. In celebration, I am tracking down the Kogi Truck. Tacos are not that unhealthy..and they are rather small, and though I can easily eat 4, I will only have two. I am only human..

I shoot too high.

Allie, my friend's daughter, needs to help out a girlfriend by finding students to take a tap class at the Palms Rec Center. I'm a sport, I used to tap dance, I still have shoes. I sign up. I love it. For one thing, there are no mirrors at the Rec Center, and for another, this class is beginning, really beginning. Shuffle step. Shuffle step. I'm a star. I actually consider leg warmers. I'm a dancer. I can't wait to get to the Rec Center every Thursday night and dance like a middle aged white female Savion Glover. No mirrors, no ugly truth. I lose a half a pound...in a month! I get cocky. So when an acquaintance tells me that LOUIS VAN AMSTEL FROM DANCING WITH THE STARS is teaching cardio ballroom right up the street at Richard Simmons studio, I'm there. I am a huge dance fan. And I can tap.

I am by far not the oldest or fattest person in the class. However, with the addition of mirrors, I go into serious shock. I SUCK! and little old white haired ladies are better, and faster than I am. And in 3 minutes I am pouring sweat. At ten minutes I have to pretend to run outside to put money in my meter so I can sit on the curb and catch my breath. I come back in and go to the back corner of the studio, where I wave my arms a bit and pretend to move my feet. Louis moves like lightning. I move like tar. He yells " shake it, you lazy bitches!" I'm sure he's looking right at me.

how i started.

I'm going to be as blunt as possible. I'm fat, and my daughter is getting married in November, and I am in mortal fear of the flashbulb. So about three months ago I decided I would have to move my ass, literally, preferably off my body and onto someone elses' who needs it more( Lindsay Lohan comes immediately to mind...honestly a saggy bikini bottom, are you kidding me? I need to sew a flag on the seat of my (of course black) swimsuit to avoid being mistaken for a russian sub...but I digress.)
I've been doing absolutely nothing physical besides occasionally shoving furniture around for the last few years except for a twice a week Pilates class at a lovely studio in Beverly Hills( ALIGN Beverly Hills Pilates, I highly recommend it) with very nice instructors who never scream in my face or call me a lazy bitch. Although Pilates was keeping me reasonably upright, mobile and strong, it was not reducing what the very nice girl in the foundations department at Nordstroms tactfully called " my diameter". Obviously stronger measures are called for. I need to cheat on my pilates instructor. And I need to stop eating everything that isnt nailed down.